whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
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Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.