Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
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My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…