That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
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My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.