[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
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GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work