Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
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a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot