Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
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GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.