@Mehrwane: Whoever coined the term "gross profit" wasn't getting paid for their job.
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@TheBoydP: [two coworkers walk into my office] Coworkers: Hey! It's your two favorite people here to ask you a question! Me: Where?
@Underchilde: [As a tornado destroys their home] Wife: You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. Husband: I really miss Baywatch.
@QwertyJones3: "What are you doing tonight?" Gonna smoke some Herb. "Nice." -guys who work in a crematorium
@JamieDMJ: Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.