@4ScoreN20Bowls: Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You're a fuquing quoqusuquer
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@YesImMatt: When people's driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
@OnceUponALiz: If I ever go missing, my dumbass family will pick a photo where I look happy and my hair looks good, and I'll never been seen alive again.
@Mikecanrant: I accidentally earned a 3rd degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do the last time a bee flew near my face.