Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
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It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
#oldknees
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.