Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
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A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Real House Wines.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.