@inmybox07: Whoever designated mini cupcakes as "two-bite" has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
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@girlontapas: My Cinderella story is backward. I started out a princess. Got drunk and lost a shoe when I met a handsome guy. Now I scrub the floors.
@bonehugsnirony: Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job. Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
@LizHackett: "Dammit. I had shit planned today." -- a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
@AtticusFinch79: [date] Me: Wanna watch Star Wars? Him: No interest, before my time. Me *pretending to choke him with my mind* Him: What're you doing?