Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
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LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
No way!
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok