Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
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Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.