@Josievorenkamp: Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
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@LizHackett: "Excuse the mess; we had guests," I graciously explain, leaving out the "five months ago" part.
@BromanConsul: "It doesn't say anywhere that you have to EAT them, you see," I explain to the Olive Garden waitress as my breadstick kingdom adds a library
@Kyle_Lippert: Go to Starbucks. Tell them your name is Dad. Hide in the crowd. Listen as the hipster barista says "Dad?..Dad?..DAD?..DAD?!" & starts crying