Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
You Might Also Like
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
My background check bounced.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s