Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
You Might Also Like
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!