Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
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Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex