Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
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“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo