Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
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[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
channeling her this year
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”