Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
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there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
This is not me but this is me
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
me after drinking all the wine:
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.