Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
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I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.