Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
You Might Also Like
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Good Morning.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍