Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
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I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁