@momTruthBomb: Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children's books clearly never had children of their own.
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@booyahchadly: Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
@squirrel74wkgn: I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick? Her: Of course... *walks out 26 minutes later* Thanks.
@Reverend_Scott: [Wonder Woman shows up] Superman: Is she with you? Batman: I thought she was with you? Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
@THEDUTHCHESS: Day 1 of being kidnapped. Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back. Husband is asking for more money.