@momTruthBomb: Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children's books clearly never had children of their own.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@Elizasoul80: First date Him: What do you do? Me [pulls out a Victoria's Secret catalog that I've clearly glued photos of my face into] "I'm a model."
@uncle_fescue: Judge: jury, how do you find the defendant? Me: [whispering] dude, he's like…right there. Judge: there's no talking Me: [pointing]
@evildadatron: Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
@notacroc: [date] Her: so you're a mathematician? Me: no actually I'm a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician