Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Webb. James Webb.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.