Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
You Might Also Like
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Banana is the quietest snack
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?