Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
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Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
But that’s none of my business
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
🙋♀️
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying