Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
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Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian