Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
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Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
A new level of troll.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
I have a place for everything. The floor.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?