Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
You Might Also Like
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.