Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
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I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
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Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
ACED my prostate exam!
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.