Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
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One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
This is a whole mood;
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.