Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
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@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though