@1MeLrO: Whoever just called my mom 3 minutes after she called me
You are a God!
@BehindScenesPic: Everyone makes mistakes
@mikealfredcaine: my cousin jeff died today. sent flowers to the family with a little card saying "jeff is dead" so they know what the flowers are for
@daemonic3: [Home Depot]
"Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails"
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
"Nah, just verbally"
@SwoonTwang: I don't have tinted windows on my car because if people don't like watching me dance, they can tint their own goddamn windows.
@mollymcnearney: Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.