@1MeLrO: Whoever just called my mom 3 minutes after she called me
You are a God!
@robdelaney: Pretty cool that the letters "B.J." stand for the two greatest things in the world: beef jerky & Billy Joel.
@ojedge: [first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] "…& they all lived happily ever after"
Customer: "That's not what I meant by 'happy ending'"
@GibJimson: [filling out job application]
@farleftcoast: Sometimes I get really stoned and stare at phone and wonder why I pay so much money for a government tracking device.
@JimmerThatisAll: Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?