@1MeLrO: Whoever just called my mom 3 minutes after she called me
You are a God!
Me (to my 4 year old nephew): I think I heard someone break in; will you go check?
@aquickschnack: ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
@meganamram: I'm giving up spellcheck for Lant
@JediGigi: Me: I don't feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
@E_lok44: Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you "shhh" someone.