When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
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I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
My brain is a bad influence on me
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
When libraries troll their patrons.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!