*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
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My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.