the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
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It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.