Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
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If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”