Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
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Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Boom, boom, ching!
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
This was the best day of my life
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby