surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
You Might Also Like
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
SF is the wild wild west man
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
my dad when a sex scene comes on
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!