Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
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*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.