@rachelle_mandik: Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
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@weismanjake: Hangman is a weird game to let kids play. Hey kid, if you don't think of this word, a random man will be put to death.
@robfee: Dads in horror movies always have the most chill explanations. "Our son is covered in pentagrams!" Well maybe he's just allergic to dairy.
@daemonic3: DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV ROMAN: What?! DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time? ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
@TitansHomer: What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married? Feyonce. *drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*