Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
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Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.