nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
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Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Seals are just dog mermaids.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]