Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
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I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
😅🤣😂
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
The news
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”