Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
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alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Why is this me 😫
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you