Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
You Might Also Like
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Cannot stop laughing at this
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”