Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
You Might Also Like
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
still the best tweet of the year by far
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
nice challenge
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.