REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
You Might Also Like
How times have changed.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”