Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
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MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.