Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
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me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
stand with me against insufficient seating
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
That’s fair
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……