Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
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My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.