Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
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Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.