whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
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Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
You deplete me
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal