Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
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Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?