@MorganJ7: Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't like things as much as I do.
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@seancoleran: Girlfriend: Why is this broom broken? Did you draw a lightning bolt on the cat? Are you writing with a feather? Me: Muggles....
@TinaMav: How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
@Mr_Kapowski: I didn't want the cop to see that my car's registration tags weren't current but apparently swerving erratically got his attention too
@GreenishDuck: Next time you're having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they're trying to do a push-up.